Ramblings of a Grouch

The phone rang last Monday evening. I answered it to find a hyperactive lady (or a guy who had been snorting helium and cocaine) telling me she had a wonderful offer to tell me about. Hmmm.

A bit of background. The previous Friday I started comeing down with a viral infection. I woke at 2.30 am Monday and couldn't get back to sleep. I had worked a full day then got the weekly shopping in the evening. When the phone rang I was three parts through shoving a little food down my throat (no appetite, I just wanted to live longer). I was not in the best of moods.

Then the phone rang and my mood was about to change. For the worse.

"Hello, am I speaking to Steve?"

"Yes."

"Pardon?"

"YES."

"Oh good! I've got a very special offer for you at the FeelingGood Gym."

"I don't want it."

"Pardon?"

"I. DON'T. WANT. IT."

"I don't want to join a gym."

"Pardon?"

At this point I'll miss out the 'pardon?' after every reply. There was nothing wrong with the speed and volume of her mouth but her ears never got close to being as efficient. Suffice to say she should see if there are special machines at the gym to ream earholes out.

"I said I don't want to join a gym. If I did I would have already joined one. I don't and I haven't."

Silence.

"Why don't you want to join?"

"Well, why should I pay a monthly fee when I can do all the exercises I need for free in my own way."

"Many people think they are exercising properly but they don't get their heart really working."

"I do."

"Oh? And what exercises do you do?"

"I go walking."

"Walking? Pah!! Walking isn't exercise! It doesn't get your heart working faster!"

And that did it. A few years ago I asked my GP what he recommended for exercise, bearing in mind jogging was out due to previous injuries. 'Walking', he replied, '60 minutes, as brisk as you can manage, 3 times a week'. Which I duly started doing. And I can tell you walking at a rate of 120 paces a minute uphill certainly gets the heart (and every muscle in the legs) working.

I started to explain this to the lady on the phone when it all clicked into place. This jumped up little upstart who was allegedly in the business of helping to improve people's health and fitness was not only laughing at my pathetic attempts to keep fit but also blatantly lying to me about what does and does not constitute exercise. She had the sheer bloody nerve to invite herself into my own front room (by virtue of ringing me in the first place) only to insult me and tell me bare faced lies. So I made a short reply.

"Forget it. I don't want to know. Now please piss off and don't ever ring me again."

Normally I use a polite 'No thank you and goodbye' before replacing the reciever. Had I been feeling better I might have asked if she wanted to study for 14 hours a week over a year for the Open University, in an attempt to make her see that other people may not share the same passions we do. My solution was easier, quicker and (at the time) more satisfying.

But my tea was cold when I had finished. And I was really pissed off for the whole of the next day.

If people cold call me then I expect them to be polite and civil. I have done then the courtesy of answering the phone. The least they could do is take 'No' for an answer.